A Close Look at Unckey Monkle

Dear...

2010-01-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Cancer,

You came knocking at my family's door about 6 years ago and tried to take my mom away from me. Luckily, you weren't successful and she beat the odds. Please do the same this time and leave my family alone. She is more important to us than anything else on this earth. Everyone is better off without you and we don't need you in our lives.

JLo :*(

A Year in Review - 2009

2009-12-31T14:37:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I've updated this blog. For me, when life is good, it makes your life alot busier. There's more to be happy about and less to write about. Judging by the lack of posts, anyone can surmise that this has been a good year on a personal basis. Here's a quick summary of 2009:

1) Most memorable event: Finding the love of my life.
2) Most EPIC trip: Seattle/Portland/Oregon Coast weekend.
3) Most challenging event: Breaking my ankle in ice hockey.
4) Once in a lifetime moment: Ringing in 2009 in Times Square, NYC.
5) Most accomplished moment: Scoring my first goal in ice hockey.

I am cautiously optimistic about 2010, and hope you, as well as I, will be able and ready to face whatever challenges life throws at us. For the friends and family I haven't seen in a long time, I miss you all and I wish you well. Here's to a new year of great family, friends, health, and happiness. Cheers all, and Happy New Year.

Another Day, Another Dollar

2008-10-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

This week, I was presented with the news that my coworker would be leaving our department to work for another organization after 2 years. I was shocked to learn that they will be leaving before I take off on holidays in 3 weeks time.

My friends had varying views of their motive, saying that the company probably was in a time crunch to get a person or that legally there was no recourse for employees to give more than 1 week notice. Rationally, it makes perfect sense.

Emotionally, I thought that was the worst timing, and the most inconsiderate thing a teammate could do to you, given that they've known for the last 3 months the exact date of my departure. To me, this was an affront.

Anger aside, their departure signals the end of a once happier chapter in my life - work. It's not so much the work that really attracted me to my job. It was working in a cohesive team to get things done that really made me proud of what I did everyday.

I didn't understand why I would feel so depressed about my team falling apart, but then when I had to explain my sentiments to another friend, I finally got it. I told her that "this departure reminded me of a child caught in the middle of a divorce. You just feel so sad that the things aren't the way they were before."

So, does this signal a change in my life as well? For now, another day is another dollar. Let's look for some positivity in light of this harrowing week.

50/50

2008-06-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling down lately. The past few weeks have not been good to me. Today's stress stemmed mainly from school, but lately, it was also family issues and emotional issues. I can't say that I'm 0% happy, I'm glad I have my family, friends, health, and other things, but it's hard to feel 100% at the moment.

I notice that when I'm sad, I tend to stay up late into the night, not wanting to go to sleep. In the morning, I am exhausted, and I have no energy for work.

It's almost as if I'm giving up on myself. It's like I've given up on the things I love, just because I'm so depressed. I'll try to snap out of this one.

I'm thinking maybe it's time for some major change...

Living

2008-06-13T00:57:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough few weeks. One of my best buddies left town for another job across the country. I felt I answered less than stellar on my midterm. I found out someone has moved on with their lives and is offering someone else what I had wanted all along. Plus, I lost out on a great investment opportunity. Work is crazy busy (this time it's just busy, not really anyone's fault).

These all added up to many tears and lots of stress, coupled by unrestful sleep. I felt really tired, so the investment opportunity was taken as a sort of way to shake myself out of this dark hole I was falling into.

At first, it seemed right. The opportunity was ripe, very little work needed to be done, it would be relatively easy to maintain, location was busy, but still ok. The layout was not bad. We scraped together the financing. But once the deal fell through, I felt like I didn't want to commit so quickly again. I wouldn't have rushed into this with such enthusiasm had I not spotted the potential, but once that's gone, I didn't feel like I need to act on the next opportunity so quickly again.

I want to gather my thoughts, and most likely my savings before I jump in. But tomorrow, I am doing exactly what I wouldn't expect myself to be doing. It's funny how this always works against my favour. Maybe it's all in the cards. Well, let's see what happens anyways. It's too late to turn back now. *sigh*...

Maybe it's for the best - but sometimes you still feel a twinge of sadness

2008-05-27T21:52:00.001-07:00

Alot of things are probably the way they are because it's for the best - yet you always feel this small twinge of sadness that it has to end this way. Today is one of those days.

You start out positive, then when it dawns on you that eventually all the fun will end, you become unsure, and eventually you get depressed that things are coming to a close.

Let's hope it's not like this. Let's hope it'll get better. I'm not saying I don't want things to change, but to me it feels a little too sudden. I wish this person all the best in their endeavours, and the new environment will probably do them some good. I just hope we can keep in touch.

I can't believe they are one of my best buddies - strange to own up to it now, finally. The moral of the story: appreciate everything you have, and the time you've got to live it. Live with integrity, honesty, and love. See you my friend - many happy returns.

Trust... or lack there of

2008-04-24T22:58:00.000-07:00

I guess it is always hard to tell at first how you will adjust to a certain environment like school or work. But overtime, if you feel challenged and appreciated for your efforts, you will begin to trust those around you, and feel as if they are a part of your life, your family.

Of course this is not always true and in many cases it isn't. Even though I have certain trust issues, I still have this deep believe that somewhere out in this world, things shouldn't ever be determined by politics, power, or nepotism. It should be determined through fairness, honesty, respect, integrity, and your ability to do the right thing at the right time.

I learned today to err on the dark side. Actually, today was the day my suspicions were reaffirmed. It seems like in many cases, when you try to treat someone like a really close friend, they might not be like that at all. I guess I should still give them the benefit of the doubt that what they did was not politically motivated, but the question in my mind does come up as to whether I should open my heart to such individuals, and whether to put my trust in these environments.

For me, I would really like to open my heart, but through many disappointments later, I feel the need to re-evaluate. I don't know if I can bear to be secretive. It's not something I feel that accomplishes anything. But if I am indeed that unhappy, I really need to do something about it. Either way, this isn't going to do my psyche any good. There is one option, and that is to act like you always have and trust in a higher power. Sometimes my patience wears a bit thin when it gets to that point.

For now, all I can do is keep on going. I hope this doesn't put me into a heart attack, but there is nothing else to do but move forward... sigh... I guess I shouldn't gripe too much because alot of other ppl have it worse than I do. To them, I say good night and good luck for now.

Pieces

2008-02-25T22:42:00.000-08:00

Earlier I attempted to remove little reminders of someone I wanted to forget, but I just couldn't bring myself to do this 100%.

There are pieces of these reminders everywhere. Plus, there is the memory in my everyday life, and the pain of interacting with this person as if we had never known each other than at a superficial level.

There are times when I feel like this drives me insane, and I get angry thinking about why I need to do this. Then, there are moments when I wish to "unhide" all these reminders, to relive the good memories, to reminisce.

Right now I feel so scattered, almost as if I'm no longer sure of myself, or what or who I want to continue to be. There are twinges of sadness, rage, and momentary happiness. Yet sometimes I feel apathy and numbness, without the resolve that I seek.

Letting Go

2008-01-21T11:41:00.001-08:00

Just because I laugh and smile, doesn’t mean I’m not hurting from the pain. Aside from other more pressing and concerning issues in my mind, there are times when I am now able to forget about the unhappiness, something that has been alluding me these past few months.

I am starting to make progress in my life. I feel a bit removed from the whole situation. Even though there is the odd occasion in which we communicate. The general sense I'm getting is that this person no longer wants to deal with me on a personal level. The talk may all sound casual and friendly, but to me and to this person, it is only civil and on the surface.

I am not going to stop talking about the uneasiness until I feel that it no longer hurts me. It is then that I learn to do things on my own terms, and learn to let go.

The Box

2008-01-13T16:13:00.001-08:00

I am feeling like things are getting a little bit easier. Contact was finally made from the other party. Although there wasn't any meaningful conversation, we were at least civil if not on friendly terms, discussing the everyday things that friends talk about.

This weekend, I finally decided to put the things that were close to my heart during the past year away. I had told a friend of mine earlier that I couldn't let go of these things, but they took up alot of my desk space and I was constantly reminded of the unhappy times that accompanied these everyday objects - or a longing of what was and could have been.

On Saturday, I happened upon this wooden memory box. It's a box I've wanted since I first saw it some 5 years ago, but never really thought I had the need for. The colour I wanted wasn't there, but not sure if destiny had a hand in this, it was offered at 30% off it's regular price in a store closing sale (ironic enough?)

So I bought it, deciding at once that it would house both the happiest and one of the saddest times in my life. And with this box another chapter of my life has ended, and another begins...

2008

2008-01-01T16:58:00.000-08:00

2008 is finally here. I never really made any concrete resolutions before, but this year I have one. I plan on picking myself back up and dusting myself from all the hurt, then try to move forward with my life. This sounds like a sensible choice, especially if you were in my case.

How this will be done is still undetermined at this point. I've been told by alot of people before that I'm a thinker. There's a 50/50 chance that I might try to achieve this by not thinking at all, or putting all my energy into thinking of a solution.

For now, I will just let things take their course. I am looking forward to the day where things will be ok again. This day may never come, it may be soon, or it may be later, but the hope is still alive, and my faith will never falter.

Happy New Year everyone.

Merry Christmas :(

2007-12-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

Christmas for me this year was relatively quiet and spent in the most unconventional way. Instead of staying home with family or going to church, I went skiing with friends. It wasn't extremely merry as each of us were dealing with our own little problems in the back of our minds.

All in all however, we did end up spending it together, which made it alot less lonely and sad.

After hitting the slopes and returning home in the early evening, I opened gifts from some of my closest friends and my family. This cheered me up a little and I thought I was going to be able to handle the rest of the holidays without getting more upset.

Last nite however, we ended up going out for a family activity that reminded me once more of the demons that haunt me. I dealt with this by taking it out on myself, and perhaps overindulging on something I should be staying away from.

I am not the kind of person that deals with change very easily. With each passing year I lament the time that passes, of every moment that should have been. However, with my recent track record and the emotional roller coaster I am going through, I am beginning to look forward to the new year in hopes that time will be the ultimate comfort in my life.

May the wish I made at the Festival of Lights come true for everyone and a Merry Christmas to all.

To my friends, family, and dearest ones, I wish you a season of peace, harmony, and happiness for you and your loved ones and a prosperous new year ahead.

Breaking Down

2007-12-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

Last week, I cried myself to sleep. On top of a stressful work week, something had upset me for quite a while and an event at work triggered those very sad emotions.
When I got home, I felt deeply misunderstood, and after dinner, I felt like I wanted to shut down. The more I thought about the pain, the more the tears flowed.

I couldn't stop myself from crying, and I eventually fell asleep. About an hour later, I woke up trying to function normally again, then my family caught a glimpse of me and asked me what happened.

At that point I broke down once more and couldn't stop. I have not felt this sad for a long, long time... :(

Some people say it's good to be able to cry it out, and time and friendship can help you get through the negative emotions.

I am glad I have the support of family and friends. But my hope is that the situation that brought on this episode will not last forever :S

Decision

2007-11-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

An important decision has been reached in the life of Joyce Lo as of November 14, 2007.

No one won in this situation and it is agreed that no one affected by this decision felt easy or will ever feel the same as before.

It is hoped however that it will get better in the future and that something, perhaps a friendship (if not anything more), can still be salvaged.

There is no going back beyond this point. Yet, there is no regret because the truth must be told for everyone's sake.

Joyce Lo is relieved at the moment, but she is still a mess at this point.

She wants the world to know that she never took anything for granted from this experience. She will never trade any minute she spent during this time for anything in the world.

Joyce Lo will cherish these moments for ever.

Weakness

2007-11-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

Recently a friend commented on my weak immune system and increased propensity to fall ill this past year. She asked me whether it was because I was getting old, or simply because I was beginning to fall into an unhealthy lifestyle of overindulgence, money, and stressful work.

Thinking back, none of those things seem to be the main contributors. Although the majority of family and friends may think the reasons are due to job stress and money matters, I am seeing a new pattern of anxiety and nervousness that surrounds me, an unhappiness that lurks in the shadows that differs from the so called "monetary concerns"... a small bit of depression if you will...

If you were ME, would you confront the problem or walk away from it?

I am tempted to walk away from it all... but will it save me or make it worse?

Johnny Cash's "Gambler" says it best:

Written by Don Schlitz

"You got to know when to hold 'em; know when to fold 'em.
"Know when to walk away; know when to run.
"You don't ever count your money while you're sittin' at the table.
"There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin' is done."

I'll guess I'll only find out when the dealin's done :S

Losing It

2007-09-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been working way too much. Just way too many hours. This results in alot of stress (both on the work and personal front), as well as a very foggy existence as I trudge day in and out of the office at extremely odd hours and weekends.

At every free moment I feel like I have to live it to the fullest. Yet there is this sadness in me that wonders why I'm not living every moment the same way anyways. There shouldn't be an exclusivity in doing the things you want to do, but yet there is.

Yesterday, I lost something I spent alot of energy, money, time, and enjoyment on. Although it's not the end of the world and it can be replaced, I'm still really angry and disappointed at myself for not realizing that I had lost it when I should have. This leads me to think that perhaps I've been spending too much of my time and energy on work.

Unfortunately I am also not spending enough time and energy on my family. Sigh... I really admire the people who love what they do for a living and earn enough to live on that.

The Pursuit of Happiness

2007-08-11T00:27:00.000-07:00

What Happens...

...when you are depressed???
...when you are disappointed???
...when you have had enough of dealing with something on your own?

Shall I confront the uneasiness by demanding the truth, even if I will be hurt? Do I lower my expectations? Do I settle for 2nd choice? Do I choose the easy way out? Or do I numb myself with work and material goods?

This is the dilemma that is unanswered by even more questions. The happiness I seek is unfounded so far.

The pursuit continues.
It's conclusion a mystery.
The cynicism grows.

Je suis très deçu.
I am tired, so very tired.

Confronting your Destiny

2007-07-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

Reading the Namesake has made me realize that we are all confronted by our destinies at some point in our lives. I'm just really worried about the fact that I have a really hard time dealing with that whenever it hits.

I guess it's never easy, and I shouldn't expect it to be, but it's hard not to feel sad sometimes at the way some things work out. Hitting rock bottom on that level is one of the most unsettling things a person can ever experience. Right now, I'm trying really hard to figure out how to get out of this type of existence.

Being positive about some things can only take you so far because reality has a different way of dictating your life. But I know I must continue to try and make an effort in getting out of this unhappiness. The previous post makes a lot of sense. I have got to convince myself that this is something I should always keep in mind.

Words of Encouragement

2007-05-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

"Unhappiness will only last as long as we let it."

--Unknown

An Important Message

2007-05-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

I read something in the Globe today that is all too true and important: "We willingly give up things for the benefit of those we love."

Just some food for thought...

2007-04-07T13:34:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: October 4

You have an extraordinary character - moral, responsible, and disciplined.
Your sincerely and honesty shine through in almost every situation.
Driven and focused, you rarely let your emotions get the better of you.
You're level headed and rational. People count on your to look at things objectively.

Your strength: Your unwavering loyalty and ethics

Your weakness: Your rock solid stubbornness

Your power color: Navy blue

Your power symbol: Shield

Your power month: April

Got this link from Bobby. Check it out and happy Easter.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

恭喜發財! Happy Chinese New Year!

2007-02-20T23:06:00.000-08:00

恭喜發財，身體健康，心想事成，快高長大，步步高升呀！Happy Chinese New Year to all my family and friends. May you all have a great year with good health and great fortune.

Auld Lang Syne

2007-01-04T09:25:00.000-08:00

According to my yearly horoscope, my luck for 2007 will "flow more easily because it will take less effort to achieve what you want." To me, this statement is already prematurely achieved.

In light of some endings that ended not quite so happily, in my eyes, I have nothing to want for because I am lucky to have what I already need. I guess of course life may be easier with more money, but it is not a necessity.

Throughout this year, I have witnessed and felt the true warmth and heartfelt spirit of my friends and family once again. That is what living should be about, sharing your love with those around you while doing the best you can in any given situation. I just hope I don't forget this the rest of the year.

Before 2006 comes to a close, I just wanted to thank the following people for reinforcing this belief: Grandma, Uncle Alec, Aunt Judy, Cousin Jenny and Jessie, Alvin, Hong, Sally, Winky, Cousin Kevin, Cousin in-law Potina, Aunt Sandy, Uncle, Cousin Olive, Carmen, Auntie Ivy, Auntie Alice L, Auntie Lucia, Uncle Gerald and Auntie Tippy, Jacky, Queen Queen, Katy, Richard, Crystal, Yasuyo, Katalin, Jessie A, Alice W, Auntie Alice, Auntie Frances, Uncle Neville, Sam, Queenie L, Robyn, Alanna, Berit, Justin B, Nancy, May, Lion Chong, Shelly, Michael L, and Vicky. There are probably more, but thank you everyone!

To those in HK, thank you for your hospitality and kindness. I never felt alone during the holidays because each of you made sure that I had a great time and was well taken care of. Good bye 2006 and welcome 2007.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-12T11:17:00.000-08:00

Dear friends and family,

Merry Christmas and Best Wishes for the New Year.

Unckey Monkle

失控

2006-11-07T20:52:00.000-08:00

最近不開心.覺得有點絕望,不清楚怎樣可以面對將來.

用金錢及酒精來消愁. 1,000 元後,感覺冇變. 繼續不開心下去.

知道 shopping 和飲酒不是一個理智的解決,昨晚我取消了65 元的 Amazon order.

週末做家務和游水,希望因為忙碌,不會有時間去想不開心的事.

無論用無數個方法去麻醉自己,只有時間先可以沖淡一切.

The Great Pretender

2006-11-06T23:55:00.000-08:00

The Platters was a band I listened to from my parents' CD collection when I was young. A song I clearly remember to this day is "The Great Pretender."

The lyrics resonate my feelings so well - especially when one of my friends (SW) reminded me of it during a long hike in the woods (before I read the book from the previous post).

In conversation, we had discussed how most people do not discuss their feelings. I disagreed because I told him that most people show it through their facial expressions and actions. But he asked me whether I would ever tell anyone face to face that I'm not happy.

At that moment, I had to partially agree with his point. I rarely discuss my feelings openly. On the rare occasion, I only do so to a very select group of people.

In a way, I have become a hypocrite.

The Language of Love

2006-11-06T23:07:00.000-08:00

I have wanted to read a particular book for a long time. On Friday night, my friend was finally able to lend it to me. Thank you sui gwei and Dr. Chapman!!

In the book, I have found several quotes I should strive to live by/continue to live by:

The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.
Forgiveness is the way of love. The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment, a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender.
Love makes requests, not demands. When one demands things from the other person, one person becomes the parent and the other becomes the child. Complying with a demand is an act of fear or guilt or some other emotion, but it is not an expression of love. A request builds the element of choice. Love is always a choice.
Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic listening but also self-revelation.
We are influenced by our past, our parents, and personality but are not controlled by it.

I am not yet finished with the book, but I am looking forward to applying these principles in life.

後悔

2006-10-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

幾個月前, 有一位朋友問我一生有什麼後悔.

當時, 我剛剛先度過對我人生幾件很大影響的事.

想了幾分鐘後, 我終於回答 "如果我今天去世, 我一生人完全冇什麼後悔."

聽完這個答案, 她又問, "你不後悔沒有兒女, 丈夫, 伴侶, 職業成功, 或錢?"

我回答, "這幾年來, 因為有很多事發生, 包括面對失去家人, 自信, 財產的可能性, 我懂得珍惜眼前所有的東西. 不容許自己有什麼希望, 只可以向前進, 爭取目前每一分一秒. 最重要是即時開心."

需然這種想法有點衝動, 又冇遠見, 不過我認為每一個情況都需要順期自然, 不可以逼, 是天的安排. 在 "Que Sera Sera" 的歌詞, 有一句說得特別真 "Whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see, que sera sera...."

現在冇兒女不等於一個缺陷. 因為工作忙, 如果有孩子, 都冇時間陪伴他們長大. 工作或錢不太重要, 因為如果常常需要返工, 冇時間可以購物. 而且, 工作拼搏不代表公司會欣賞你的努力.

從此知道, 其實最重要是時間和親友. 時間給人機會,親友給人支持及關懷.

未入大學前, 不懂得用這種想法看事. 是不是因為我成長了?

Work

2006-10-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

For a job that is supposedly 8:30 am - 4:30 pm (1 hr. lunch) Monday to Friday, my schedule this week:

Fri, Oct 13th: 7:30 am - 6:30 pm
Sat, Oct 14th: 9:00 am - 3:30 pm
Sun, Oct 15th: 8:45 am - 2:45 pm
Mon, Oct 16th: 7:30 am - 5:50 pm
Tue, Oct 17th: 8:30 am - 7:00 pm
Wed, Oct 18th: 7:30 am - 5:30 pm
Thur, Oct 19th: 8:30 am - 7:00 pm
Fri, Oct 20th: 8:30 am - 6:30 pm
Mon, Oct 23rd: 7:30 am - 5:50 pm

Sigh...

This Summer

2006-10-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

I got to know the spirit that lifted me out of the depths of my misery.
I got to question the goodness of what is to come.
I got to lament the future, holding on to the seconds that passed.

Will there be an end to this unrelenting cycle of gains and losses? Am I seeking a balance in which I will never obtain?

I am left with the answer of my shadow – a reflection that never falters to follow like my worries, hopes, problems, fortune.

Uncertainty lies deep within my soul while unease rests in my bones. Is this what I must be relegated to?

I abandon all thoughts; move forward impulsively but with trepidation, for I am trapped, unable to escape otherwise beyond the confines of my life.

Yet, I cannot question my destiny. Or, can I? Is there an escape? Or must I choose an end?

The thought has crossed, but each time, I narrowly refuse. It is in the eyes and hearts of others I see the good, the innocent, and the value to continue.

However, I am left to ponder the disappointments, and again step one foot in front of another in solitude and confusion, to carry on with the unhappiness, sadness of what transpires in the daily unpleasant struggle.

Must Joy be ever elusive but for the rare occasion in which it presents itself? Is this what has become of the individual that bears the name? That is a question that this summer could not answer.

Oct 2006