後悔

幾個月前, 有一位朋友問我一生有什麼後悔.

當時, 我剛剛先度過對我人生幾件很大影響的事.

想了幾分鐘後, 我終於回答 "如果我今天去世, 我一生人完全冇什麼後悔."

聽完這個答案, 她又問, "你不後悔沒有兒女, 丈夫, 伴侶, 職業成功, 或錢?"

我回答, "這幾年來, 因為有很多事發生, 包括面對失去家人, 自信, 財產的可能性, 我懂得珍惜眼前所有的東西. 不容許自己有什麼希望, 只可以向前進, 爭取目前每一分一秒. 最重要是即時開心."

需然這種想法有點衝動, 又冇遠見, 不過我認為每一個情況都需要順期自然, 不可以逼, 是天的安排. 在 "Que Sera Sera" 的歌詞, 有一句說得特別真 "Whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see, que sera sera...."

現在冇兒女不等於一個缺陷. 因為工作忙, 如果有孩子, 都冇時間陪伴他們長大. 工作或錢不太重要, 因為如果常常需要返工, 冇時間可以購物. 而且, 工作拼搏不代表公司會欣賞你的努力.

從此知道, 其實最重要是時間和親友. 時間給人機會,親友給人支持及關懷.

未入大學前, 不懂得用這種想法看事. 是不是因為我成長了?

Work

For a job that is supposedly 8:30 am - 4:30 pm (1 hr. lunch) Monday to Friday, my schedule this week:

Fri, Oct 13th: 7:30 am - 6:30 pm
Sat, Oct 14th: 9:00 am - 3:30 pm
Sun, Oct 15th: 8:45 am - 2:45 pm
Mon, Oct 16th: 7:30 am - 5:50 pm
Tue, Oct 17th: 8:30 am - 7:00 pm
Wed, Oct 18th: 7:30 am - 5:30 pm
Thur, Oct 19th: 8:30 am - 7:00 pm
Fri, Oct 20th: 8:30 am - 6:30 pm
Mon, Oct 23rd: 7:30 am - 5:50 pm

Sigh...

This Summer

I got to know the spirit that lifted me out of the depths of my misery.
I got to question the goodness of what is to come.
I got to lament the future, holding on to the seconds that passed.

Will there be an end to this unrelenting cycle of gains and losses? Am I seeking a balance in which I will never obtain?

I am left with the answer of my shadow – a reflection that never falters to follow like my worries, hopes, problems, fortune.

Uncertainty lies deep within my soul while unease rests in my bones. Is this what I must be relegated to?

I abandon all thoughts; move forward impulsively but with trepidation, for I am trapped, unable to escape otherwise beyond the confines of my life.

Yet, I cannot question my destiny. Or, can I? Is there an escape? Or must I choose an end?

The thought has crossed, but each time, I narrowly refuse. It is in the eyes and hearts of others I see the good, the innocent, and the value to continue.

However, I am left to ponder the disappointments, and again step one foot in front of another in solitude and confusion, to carry on with the unhappiness, sadness of what transpires in the daily unpleasant struggle.

Must Joy be ever elusive but for the rare occasion in which it presents itself? Is this what has become of the individual that bears the name? That is a question that this summer could not answer.

Oct 2006